The Bad Beginning - Snicket Lemony (список книг txt) 📗

Mr. Poe shook his head. `` ``In loco parentis'' means ``acting in the role of parent,'' '' he said. ``It is a legal term and it applies to Count Olaf. Now that you are in his care, the Count may raise you using any methods he sees fit. I'm sorry if your parents did not make you do any household chores, or if you never saw them drink any wine, or if you like their friends better than Count Olaf's friends, but these are things that you must get used to, as Count Olaf is acting in loco parentis. Understand?''

``But he struck my brother!'' Violet said. ``Look at his face!''

As Violet spoke, Mr. Poe reached into his pocket for his handkerchief and, covering his mouth, coughed many, many times into it. He coughed so loudly that Violet could not be certain he had heard her.

``Whatever Count Olaf has done,'' Mr. Poe said, glancing down at one of his papers and circling a number, ``he has acted in loco parentis, and there's nothing I can do about it. Your money will be well protected by myself and by the bank, but Count Olaf's parenting techniques are his own business. Now, I hate to usher you out posthaste, but I have very much work to do.''

The children just sat there, stunned. Mr. Poe looked up, and cleared his throat. `` ``Posthaste,'' '' he said, ``means-''

``-means you'll do nothing to help us,'' Violet finished for him. She was shaking with anger and frustration. As one of the phones began ringing, she stood up and walked out of the room, followed by Klaus, who was carrying Sunny. They stalked out of the bank and stood on the street, not knowing what to do next.

``What shall we do next?'' Klaus asked sadly.

Violet stared up at the sky. She wished she could invent something that could take them out of there. ``It's getting a bit late,'' she said. ``We might as well just go back and think of something else tomorrow. Perhaps we can stop and see Justice Strauss.''

``But you said she wouldn't help us,'' Klaus said.

``Not for help,'' Violet said, ``for books.''

It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between ``literally'' and ``figuratively.'' If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it's happening. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters. The Baudelaire orphans walked back to Count Olaf's neighborhood and stopped at the home of Justice Strauss, who welcomed them inside and let them choose books from the library. Violet chose several about mechanical inventions, Klaus chose several about wolves, and Sunny found a book with many pictures of teeth inside. They then went to their room and crowded together on the one bed, reading intently and happily. Figuratively, they escaped from Count Olaf and their miserable existence. They did not literally escape, because they were still in his house and vulnerable to Olaf's evil in loco parentis ways. But by immersing themselves in their favorite reading topics, they felt far away from their predicament, as if they had escaped. In the situation of the orphans, figuratively escaping was not enough, of course, but at the end of a tiring and hopeless day, it would have to do. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny read their books and, in the back of their minds, hoped that soon their figurative escape would eventually turn into a literal one.

Chapter Six

The next morning, when the children stumbled sleepily from their bedroom into the kitchen, rather than a note from Count Olaf they found Count Olaf himself.

``Good morning, orphans,'' he said. ``I have your oatmeal all ready in bowls for you.''

The children took seats at the kitchen table and stared nervously into their oatmeal. If you knew Count Olaf, and he suddenly served you a meal, wouldn't you be afraid there was something terrible in it, like poison or ground glass? But instead, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny found that fresh raspberries had been sprinkled on top of each of their portions. The Baudelaire orphans hadn't had raspberries since their parents died, although they were extremely fond of them.

``Thank you,'' Klaus said, carefully, picking up one of the raspberries and examining it. Perhaps these were poison berries that just looked like delicious ones. Count Olaf, seeing how suspiciously Klaus was looking at the berries, smiled and plucked a berry out of Sunny's bowl. Looking at each of the three youngsters, he popped it into his mouth and ate it.

``Aren't raspberries delicious?'' he asked. ``They were my favorite berries when I was your age.''

Violet tried to picture Count Olaf as a youngster, but couldn't. His shiny eyes, bony hands, and shadowy smile all seemed to be things only adults possess. Despite her fear of him, however, she took her spoon in her right hand and began to eat her oatmeal. Count Olaf had eaten some, so it probably wasn't poisonous, and anyway she was very hungry. Klaus began to eat, too, as did Sunny, who got oatmeal and raspberries all over her face.

``I received a phone call yesterday,'' Count Olaf said, ``from Mr. Poe. He told me you children had been to see him.''

The children exchanged glances. They had hoped their visit would be taken in confidence, a phrase which here means ``kept a secret between Mr. Poe and themselves and not blabbed to Count Olaf.''

``Mr. Poe told me,'' Count Olaf said, ``that you appeared to be having some difficulty adjusting to the life I have so graciously provided for you. I'm very sorry to hear that.''

The children looked at Count Olaf. His face was very serious, as if he were very sorry to hear that, but his eyes were shiny and bright, the way they are when someone is telling a joke.

``Is that so?'' Violet said. ``I'm sorry Mr. Poe bothered you.''

``I'm glad he did,'' Count Olaf said, ``because I want the three of you to feel at home here, now that I am your father.''

The children shuddered a little at that, remembering their own kind father and gazing sadly at the poor substitute now sitting across the table from them.

``Lately,'' Count Olaf said, ``I have been very nervous about my performances with the theater troupe, and I'm afraid I may have acted a bit standoffish.''

The word ``standoffish'' is a wonderful one, but it does not describe Count Olaf's behavior toward the children. It means ``reluctant to associate with others,'' and it might describe somebody who, during a party, would stand in a corner and not talk to anyone. It would not describe somebody who provides one bed for three people to sleep in, forces them to do horrible chores, and strikes them across the face. There are many words for people like that, but ``standoffish'' is not one of them. Klaus knew the word ``standoffish'' and almost laughed out loud at Olaf's incorrect use of it. But his face still had a bruise on it, so Klaus remained silent.

``Therefore, to make you feel a little more at home here, I would like to have you participate in my next play. Perhaps if you took part in the work I do, you would be less likely to run off complaining to Mr. Poe.''

``In what way would we participate?'' Violet asked. She was thinking of all the chores they already did for Count Olaf, and was not in the mood to do more.

``Well,'' Count Olaf said, his eyes shining brightly, ``the play is called The Marvelous Marriage, and it is written by the great playwright Al Funcoot. We will give only one performance, on this Friday night. It is about a man who is very brave and intelligent, played by me. In the finale, he marries the young, beautiful woman he loves, in front of a crowd of cheering people. You, Klaus, and you, Sunny, will play some of the cheering people in the crowd.''