Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes - Матвеев Сергей (книги без сокращений txt) 📗

“Marry me, Nora, and marry quick.”

“Yes, I will,” was the reply, “but who is speaking?”

– If your brother has five apples and you take two from him, what will be the result?

– He will beat me.

“What’s the matter with you, darling?” Lily asked her husband. “Monday you liked beans, Tuesday you liked beans, Wednesday you liked beans, Thursday all of a sudden [44] you don’t like beans.”

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. [45] He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. [46] While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

“Wait, wait,” the fellow said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here?”

“Well, we work for the county government,” one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, while he was leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”

“Yes,” added Mike. “Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?”

– I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I? – A liar!

– Lord, I have a problem! – What’s the problem, Eve? – Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy. – Why is that, Eve? – Lord, I am lonely. – Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. – What’s a ‘man,’ Lord? – This man will be a flawed creature, [47] with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he’ll basically give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and stronger than you.

– I can put up with that, [48] – says Eve. – Well, but there is one condition. – What’s that, Lord? – You’ll have to let him believe [49] that I made him first.

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord – nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells, “Oh! So you want to race, [50] right?”

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race [51] on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. If you do that, everything will be fine.” The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on [52] and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, embarrassed, whispers ‘Ale ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ‘‘It’s no good, I must do it,’’ and yells, ‘‘ALLLEEE OOOP!’’ really loudly. Sure enough, the horse jumps over the hurdle with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me, it’s this bloody horse. What is he deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!”

A man was wandering around a fairground [53] and he saw fortuneteller’s tent. [54] He had nothing to do, so he went in and sat down. “Ah…” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.” “Silly fortuneteller,” scoffed the man, “I’m the father of THREE children!” The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

A man says that he saw a ghost. So his friend asks him what the ghost said to him. “How can I understand,” replied the man, “what he said? I don’t know any dead languages.”

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

A photographer for a national magazine was invited to take pictures [55] of a great forest fire. “A small plane will wait for you to fly you over the fire,” said the editor. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, [56] a small airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man was sitting in the pilot’s seat. So the plane rose up and soon they were in the air. But they were flying erratically. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “And make several low-level passes. [57]” “Why?” asked the nervous pilot. “Because I want to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

Little Johnny: I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.

Teacher: I agree, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.

An Irishman, by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young girl showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.

The young girl returned it to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

“It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” he smiled. “I gave you a sham rock. [58]”

A very well known doctor and extremely well known lawyer get into a car accident way out on a country road. The lawyer sustains no injuries [59] from the crash but notices that the doctor is injured. So he runs over to his car and helps the doctor out of the twisted wreckage and offers the doctor a drink out of his flask. The doctor happily accepts the drink and takes a big swig [60] of whatever alcohol was in the bottle. He hands it back to the lawyer who promptly puts it back in his pocket. “You’re not going to have a drink?” asks the doctor. The lawyer replies, “Yes, but I’ll wait till the police leave!”