Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes - Матвеев Сергей (книги без сокращений txt) 📗

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

A bewhiskered [23] American farmer was once a passenger in a crowded trolley-bus. A little rather stout man was trying to reach a strap, [24] caught the farmer’s beard. The farmer exclaimed indignantly:

– Take your paws away from my beard! – What’s the matter, mister? – said the aggressive little man. – Are you getting off? [25]

A college professor returned home from a meeting. As he entered his room, he heard a noise that seemed to come [26] from under the bed. “Is there someone there?” he asked absently. “No, professor,” answered the thief. “That is strange,” muttered the professor. “I was almost sure I heard someone under the bed.”

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher [27] and a guy with a Chihuahua. [28] The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,

– Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

– We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,

– Just follow me.

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on [29] a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says,

– Sorry, no pets allowed.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,

– You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog. [30]

The guy at the door says,

– A Doberman Pinscher?

He says,

– Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.

The guy at the door says,

– OK, come on in.

The guy with the Chihuahua puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says,

– Sorry, no pets allowed.

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

– You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.

The guy at the door says,

– A Chihuahua?

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

– You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!

A blushing young man is choosing an engagement ring. He decides on one and says to the jeweller,

– I want to engrave inside this ring “From George to Dora [31]”.

The jeweller said,

– If you take my advice, sir, you will just have “From George”.

A man was filling an application for a job at a local employment agency. When he came to the question,

“How long married?” he hesitated, and then put down, [32] “24 hours a day.”

Tom wished his wife were more attractive, but she wasn’t. To tell the truth, he was no oil-painting, [33] either. After the ceremony, Tom asked the minister how much the cost was.

“Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife,” replied the minister.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the minister £50. The minister looked at Tom’s wife and gave him £42 change.

A man went to the Police Station. [34] He wanted to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house and did not wake my wife!”

Tom won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together and asked them:

– Who will have the present? Who is the most obedient? Who never talks back [35] to mother? Who does everything she says?

Five small voices answered in unison:

– Okay, dad, you get the toy.

A woman entered a fruit store and said to the clerk, “I want to purchase some fruit for my sick husband.

“We have some very nice sweet cherries on sale for a pound a box,” said the clerk.

She looked them over [36] and decided to take a box. Then she added, “Are they sprayed with poison?”

The clerk replied,

“No, ma’am. [37] You can purchase that at the drug-store.”

– George, darling, what is it about me [38] you find so attractive? Is it my personality?

– No.

– Is it my figure?

– No.

– Is it my charisma?

– No.

– I give in. [39]

– That’s it! [40]

– Doctor, doctor! I have a terrible stomach-ache. I ate three crabs last week.

– Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?

– What do you mean by “took them out of their shells”?

In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation.

One says to the other, “Why are you here?”

The second answers, “I’m Napoleon, [41] so the doctor told me to come here.”

The first is curious and asks, “How do you know that you’re Napoleon?”

The second responds, “God told me I was.”

At this point, [42] a patient on the other side of the room shouts, “No, I didn’t!”

The manager of a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked him.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled,

“Look, I don’t know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. My name is Mr. Robertson. Now what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

A woman called and asked,

– Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to whom?

– No, why do you ask?

She replied,

– Well, when I checked in [43] with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?

– You know, the city code for Fresno is FAT, and the airline was just putting a destination tag on your luggage!

The doctor said that a champion had a temperature.

“How high is it, Doctor?” he wanted to know.

“Thirty and nine,” said the Doctor.

“And what’s the world record?” asked the champion.

“Is that Nora?” asked Willy.

“Yes, Nora is speaking,” answered the girl.