Shiver : 13 Sexy Tales of Humor and Horror - Aurora Belle (читать книги онлайн бесплатно полные версии TXT) 📗

I sat at my desk, checking my e-mail before the kids came in for the day, and saw I had something from Ryan.

Homework was involved with this weekend, and it irritated me even further. I wanted this weekend to be a show up, get drunk, get laid, and go home kind of weekend. Maybe get laid and then get drunk. I’d have to feel out my mood.

I downloaded the attachment Ryan sent and figured I had some time before the kids came in. If Ryan wanted me to have fun, then that’s what I was going to do.

I read the first question: How would you describe your personality? Really? They needed my personality traits. I felt like I was applying for a job and they were checking to see if I played well with others. I thought it was time to make this questionnaire fun.

1. How would you describe your personality? I would say I’m a deep thinker. I spend most of my time reading The Economist and eating brie cheese. Some people might say I’m antisocial. But they wouldn’t know because I don’t talk to them. I have a sunny disposition, but then again, I never go out to see the sun since I’m agoraphobic.

2. What do you do for fun? I enjoy spelunking in dark caves. I find it extra exciting to find a bat so I can bite its head off like Ozzy Osbourne. However, I prefer the lighter colored bats. The darker ones taste a touch to gamey. I also enjoy cow tipping and betting on giraffes fighting each other to the death. I won five thousand dollars on Betty the giraffe. No one thought she had it in her, but I saw a special look in her eyes.

3. What is your favorite kind of food? Fava beans and a nice Chianti.

4. If you had to describe your worst enemy, who would it be? Wait, is this questionnaire from the government? I told those rat bastards I didn’t know anything about the release of monkeys from the medical testing facility. They’re watching me, aren’t they? I’ll have to check my phone for bugs. I will not fall over for the Man.

5. What is your favorite color? Chartreuse.

6. Who is your favorite actor or actress? The robot from Lost in Space. His talents were highly underused. How many places were the words “Danger, Will Robinson” appropriate. I tell you… many.

Kids started piling into the classroom as I sent back the e-mail and shut my laptop. All my students were dressed in a variety of outfits including feathers, sparkles, gory masks, and more.

“Okay, everyone put your stuff away and come to the meeting circle.”

I put my bunny ears on my head. I even went as far as painting my nose pink and drawing on whiskers. I was a very serious actress, and I dedicated myself to the role I was playing. But instead of carrots, I ate Twinkies for breakfast.

A few minutes later I sat down in my chair and scanned the room to make sure none of my students were goofing off by the cubbies. “Good Morning, everyone! Is everyone excited for the Halloween carnival?”

The kids screamed in their loudest voices. It’s a good thing I kept Tylenol in my desk drawer because sometimes those screeches were enough to give anyone a migraine.

“Why don’t we go around the circle and tell each other about our costumes?”

Olivia, who was dressed up as Cinderella, raised her hand.

“Yes, Olivia?” I said.

“Miss Summers, what kind of cat are you supposed to be?”

“I’m not a cat; I’m a bunny like Chloe, our class pet.”

“So does that mean you poop in a litter box, too?”

“Umm, no, Olivia. I use the potty like everyone else.”

Another boy, Ethan, pointed his finger at me. “You said potty!”

All the kids laughed like hyenas while I realized the next generation was completely screwed and had no chance for producing intelligent people. In an effort to change subject, I pointed at Quinn who was dressed in what looked like a woman’s suit.

“Quinn, what did you dress up as?”

“I’m the next president of the United States.”

Finally, someone with wonderful career aspirations. “That’s a great costume, Quinn. What would you do differently if you were president?”

“I would make sure my brother learns how to put the toilet seat down after he pees and learns how to aim his dingle berry.”

Another round of laughter filled the room and my dreams of having at least one intelligent student went out the window.

“Miss Summers, aren’t you going to ask me what I am?”

“Well, Katie, it looks like you’re a Girl Scout. Didn’t you want to dress up as something different for Halloween? You get to wear your uniform throughout the year.”

“Miss Summers, I’m not just a regular Girl Scout; I’m a Girl Scout Ambassador. That’s the highest Scout you can be. See, I’m wearing a khaki vest instead of my blue Daisy one.”“

“And how many cookies do you have to sell to become an Ambassador?”

Katie glared at me. “We do more than sell cookies, Miss Summers. We help old people like you walk across the street.”

At that point, I was wondering how to make a noose out of Katie’s Daisy apron and have her accidently trip into it when Mrs. James’s voice over the loud speaker interrupted my thoughts.

“Good morning, everyone. I hope everyone is excited for today’s festivities. We will all meet in the gym in ten minutes. Teachers please make sure all your students are accounted for and lunch money has been collected. I hope everyone has a spooktacular time.”

I rolled my eyes and told my kids to line up at the door so we could make a bathroom run before heading to the gym. I wasn’t sure why I even bothered. At least one student would swear they didn’t need to go, but then as soon as we’d get to our destination, they’d ask to go the bathroom.

After everyone’s potty and drink break, we shuffled into the gym, which has been transformed into a Halloween fun house. I prayed there weren’t going to be any clowns at this thing because I hated clowns. I was a true believer clowns had secret motives behind the creepy makeup. Seriously, who decided it was fun to be crammed in a tiny car with ten other clowns and a dog? I’ll bet there was a clown orgy happening in there.

My students were like rabid dogs trying to scatter in every direction. Luckily, I had some parent volunteers helping me out. We had the kids break into small groups so everyone would get a chance to see everything. I, however, just wanted to stand next to popcorn balls on the treat table. Now, if a guy’s balls tasted like popcorn, a lot more girls would spend some quality time down there.

“Well, well, Miss Summers, were you not able to fit into your Shamu costume this year?” Amber blew up her cheeks and waved her arms back and forth like a whale.

I moved away from my students so they couldn’t hear me. Amber was dressed as Malibu Barbie, which was completely appropriate considering the fact she looked like she was made of plastic.

“Amber I didn’t think anyone at the school ordered a sex doll. And if they did, I would highly suggest they ask for their money back. I’m guessing their dicks fall out of your pussy that’s been stretched out from overuse.”