Смешные рассказы / The Funny Stories - - (книги серии онлайн .TXT) 📗

Yes, sir, that boy was having fun. He forgot that he was a captive. He called me Snake-eye, the Spy, and announced that when his men returned from the warpath, they were going to burn me at the stake.

Then we had supper; he filled his mouth with bacon and bread, and began to talk. He said something like this:

“I like this. I never camped before; but I had a pet once, and I was nine last birthday. I hate to go to school. Rats ate up sixteen of Jimmy Talbot's aunt's hen's eggs. Are there any real Indians in these woods? I want some more meat. We had five puppies. What makes your nose so red, Hank? My father has lots of money. Are the stars hot? I whipped Ed Walker twice on Saturday. I don't like girls. Do oxen make any noise? Why are oranges round? Have you got beds to sleep on in this cave? Amos Murray has got six toes. A parrot can talk, but a monkey or a fish can't.”

“Red Chief,” I said to the kid, “would you like to go home?”

“Aw, what for?” said he. “I don't have any fun at home. I hate to go to school. I like to camp. You won't take me back home, Snake-eye?”

“Not right now, we'll stay here for a while [8].”

“All right!” said he. “That'll be fine. I never had such fun in all my life.”

We went to bed about eleven o'clock. We lay down on wide blankets and put Red Chief between us. We weren't afraid he'd run away. He kept us awake for three hours, jumping up and screaming. At last, I fell into a troubled sleep, and dreamed that I was kidnapped and chained to a tree by a pirate with red hair.

2. Good morning

In the morning I was awakened by Bill's screams. They weren't yells, or shouts, such as you'd expect from a man – they were simply humiliating screams, such as women make when they see ghosts or caterpillars. It's an awful thing to hear a strong, fat man scream in a cave at daybreak.

I jumped up to see what the matter was. Red Chief was sitting on Bill's chest, with one hand in Bill's hair. In the other he had the sharp knife we used for slicing bacon; and he was really trying to take Bill's scalp.

I got the knife away from the kid and told him to lie down again. But, from that moment, Bill's spirit was broken. I slept for some time, but soon I remembered that Red Chief said he was going to burn me at the stake at the rising of the sun. I wasn't afraid, but I sat up and lit my pipe.

“Why did you get up so early, Sam?” asked Bill.

“Oh, I have got a pain in my shoulder.”

“You're a liar!” says Bill. “You're afraid. He said he will burn you at a stake and you are afraid he'll do it. And he would, if he finds a match. Isn't it awful, Sam? Do you think anybody will pay money to get a little devil like that back home?”

“Sure,” said I. “Now, you and the Chief get up and cook breakfast, and I will go up on the top of this mountain.”

I went up on the peak of the little mountain and looked over the surroundings. I expected to see the dozens of villagers armed with scythes and pitchforks and looking for the kidnappers. But I saw a peaceful landscape with one man ploughing with a mule. “Perhaps,” said I to myself, “they didn't find out that the boy was kidnapped.”

When I got to the cave I found Bill backed up against the side of it, breathing hard, and the boy threatening to smash him with a rock half as big as a coconut.

“He put a hot boiled potato in my pants,” explained Bill, “and then smashed it with his foot; and I boxed his ears [9]. Do you have a gun, Sam?”

I took the rock away from the boy and of calmed them down.

After breakfast the kid takes a piece of leather with strings wrapped around it out of his pocket and goes outside the cave.

“What's he going to do now?” says Bill, anxiously. “You don't think he'll run away, do you, Sam?”

“Do not be afraid,” said I. “He doesn't seem to be a home boy. But we've got to fix up some plan about the ransom. Maybe his father didn't understand that he's gone. His parents may think he's spending the night with Aunt Jane or one of the neighbours. Tonight we must get a message to his father demanding the two thousand dollars ransom for his return.”

Just then we heard a kind of war-cry. It was a sling that Red Chief had pulled out of his pocket, and he was whirling it around his head.

I heard a sigh from Bill, like a horse gives out when you take his saddle off. A rock the size of an egg caught Bill just behind his left ear. He fell in the fire across the frying pan of hot water for washing the dishes. I dragged him out and poured cold water on his head for half an hour.

Bill sits up, touches his ear and says: “Sam, do you know who my favourite Biblical character is?”

“Take it easy [10],” I say.

“King Herod,” says he. “You won't go away and leave me here alone, will you, Sam?”

I went out and caught that boy and shook him until his freckles rattled.

“If you don't behave well,” says I, “I'll take you back home. Now, are you going to be good, or not?”

“I was only kidding,” he says sullenly. “I didn't mean to hurt Old Hank. I'll behave, Snake-eye, if you won't send me home, and if you'll let me play the Black Scout today.”

“I don't know the game,” says I. “That's for you and Mr. Bill to decide. He's your friend for the day. I'm going away on business. Now, you come in and make friends with him and say you are sorry for hurting him, or you will go home.”

I made him and Bill shake hands, and then I took Bill and told him I was going to Poplar Cove, a little village three miles away from the cave.

“I'll be back this afternoon,” said I. “You must keep the boy quiet till I return. And now we'll write the letter to old Dorset.”

3. The letter

Bill and I got a piece of paper and a pencil and wrote the letter this way:

I addressed this letter to Dorset, and put it in my pocket. As I was about to start [12], the kid comes up to me and says:

“Aw, Snake-eye, you said I could play the Black Scout while you were gone.”

“Play it, of course, Mr. Bill will play with you. What kind of a game is it?”

“I'm the Black Scout,” says Red Chief, “and I have to ride to warn the settlers that the Indians are coming. I'm tired of playing Indian myself. I want to be the Black Scout.”

“All right,” I say. “It sounds nice to me. I guess Mr. Bill will help you.”

“What am I to do?” asks Bill, looking at the kid suspiciously.

“You are the horse,” says Black Scout. “Get down on your hands and knees. How can I ride without a horse?”

Bill gets down on his all fours [13].