Seduction and Snacks - Sivec Tara (читать онлайн полную книгу TXT) 📗
"I think she still does," I deadpanned.
She smiled and it made my knees weak.
"Honestly, I didn’t know what to think when I first saw you and you didn’t say anything. I figured you were just a typical asshole that had countless one-night-stands in college. But after some of the stuff Jim told us you said, Liz figured out pretty quickly that you must have just been too drunk that night to remember everything about me. I’m still going with the idea that I just wasn't very memorable to begin with."
She laughed at her own words but I could tell that idea bothered her.
"Don't even joke about that. Do you have any idea how long I've looked for you? How bat shit crazy Drew thinks I am because I keep trying to find lotion that smells like chocolate and nothing ever comes close to the way I remembered you? I was beginning to think I imagined you."
I pulled her body back against mine and rested my forehead against hers, afraid to let go of her for fear she would disappear again. How could this be real? Drew is never going to believe this. Fuck, I still didn't believe it. Now that she was this close, I could smell her skin without even trying and it made me smile.
"You either didn't have as much to drink that night as I did or you just have a damn good memory. How in the hell did you recognize me?" I asked.
Claire opened her mouth to speak, but right then, the door to the store burst open and she pulled back out of my arms suddenly as we both turned in that direction. The little boy with the mouth flew through the door and I let out a laugh, figuring he had gotten away from his dad again.
"Mommy! I gots ice cream!" he yelled as he ran towards us.
I stood there with my mouth open as Claire bent down and caught the little guy as he threw himself into her arms. She looked up at me in complete and utter horror.
Holy shit. She has a kid. I've been looking for her for five years and she went off and had a kid. Well doesn't this sunk donkey dick.
"Sweetie, that kid is about two steps away from getting one of those kid leash things they sell at the store. Or a shock collar. I wonder if you need a concealed carry permit to get a taser."
In walked the dad I saw earlier, and I tried not to cringe as he walked over to where Claire was crouched down still hugging the boy and looking a little bit like she might puke.
Claire has an old man fetish. This guy has to be pushing fifty. I’d puke too if I was here. That's kind of gross. She's touched those old, wrinkly balls. When he cums I bet it's just a puff of smoke poofing out of his elderly penis. The guy finally glanced over at me, looking me up and down.
"Who are you?" he asked, obviously forgetting our encounter just moments ago due to the Alzheimer’s.
"You have old balls," I mumbled angrily.
"George! I thought I saw your car pull up a little bit ago!" Liz exclaimed as she walked over from her side of the store and right up to Claire, helping her off the floor. I stared at the back of the guy's head as Liz walked over and he turned to give her a hug. He's got thinning hair for fuck's sake. Can his balls even grow hair anymore? I want to punch his hairless old balls.
Claire looked nervously back and forth between Old Man Winter and me. I wonder what he would think about the fact that Claire and I had a past. And that she almost made out with me right before he got here and interrupted us.
"I slept with your wife," I stated, crossing my arms in front of me and staring him down.
All three of them gaped at me with equal looks of confusion on their faces.
"You swept wif my Nana? Did she read you a bedtime story? Papa says she snores."
George took a step towards me and I actually gulped. Regardless of how old his balls were, I was sure he could kick my ass. Or kill me and make it look like an accident.
"Dad," Claire said in warning.
Dad? Oh, fuck. I really am an asshole. I have Tourette's of the mouth. Claire never once mentioned his name when she talked about him. This was the man who punched someone in the face for calling him grandpa. And now I just told him he had old balls. He was going to straight up murder me.
"Shit. I didn't sleep with your wife. Total mistake."
He stopped walking towards me and if I had a brain I would have kept my mouth shut from that point on. Obviously I was drunk the day they were handing those things out.
"I got confused. I meant to say I slept with your daughter."
I heard Liz groan and saw Claire's mouth fall open.
"But it's not what you think," I continued quickly. "I mean, we were both really, really drunk and I didn't even know who she was until a minute ago."
Oh my God, stop. STOP!
One of his eyebrows cocked and I swear I heard him crack his knuckles.
"She smells like chocolate and I don't like to be spanked," I blurted in a panic.
"Jesus Christ..." George muttered, shaking his head.
I saw Claire smack Liz from behind George. Liz was snorting with laughter. Of course she found this funny.
"I don't like to be spanked either. How's come I don't have hair on my balls? Mommy, you aren't going to spank him are you?"
"Yes, Mommy, tell us. Are you going to spank Carter for being a bad boy?" Liz said in her best Marilyn Monroe voice. In the chaos of the shit storm that was happening, I never really got a good look at the kid Claire was holding. His back had been facing me up until a few seconds ago and I hadn’t been paying much attention when I caught him from running away outside. Claire had to shift him to her other arm so she could smack Liz. He was staring right at me now. He was a really good-looking kid. But that wasn't surprising since he looked just like her. But there was something about him...
I cocked my head to the side and he did the same. I realized no one was speaking but I couldn't take my eyes off of him. The edges of my vision started to turn black and I felt like I was going to pass out. He had my eyes. He had my fucking eyes! I quickly tried to do the math but my brain was a jumbled mess and I couldn’t remember what number comes after potato!
What the fuck is happening right now? This couldn't be real. My sperm betrayed me. I suddenly had a vision of my sperm swimming around and talking in Bruce Willis's voice like in Look Who's Talking. "Come on! Swim faster! This little shit has no idea we escaped from the condom! Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"
My Bruce Willis sperm is bad ass and thinks he's John McClane from "Die Hard." That is the only explanation for this fuckery.
"Who are you?" I asked the kid with my eyes when I finally found my voice.
"I'm Gavin Morgan, who the hell are you?"
11. Good Vibrations
Oh fuck.
My dad was going to kill Carter before I even got a chance to tell him that he was a father. Although, I was pretty sure that ship has sailed. He's either mentally challenged or in shock. Or I completely missed the fact that he liked to shout about hairy balls and being spanked.
Gavin did like to talk about his balls all the time. Could be hereditary…
"Who are you?" Carter whispered, staring straight at Gavin like he was trying to figure out the square root of pi in his head.
"I'm Gavin Morgan, who the hell are you?"
"GAVIN!" we all scolded, except for Carter. He still looked like he might throw up.
Shit, this was so not how I saw this happening. I knew after all of our conversations and how much I’d gotten to know Carter that I was going to have to come clean soon. And I had planned on telling him today, easing him into it.
